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-- TheDawgFather

Subject: Florida rises to #8 in the Fulmer Cup standings with latest incident..

Posted by: UGADawginVA on Fri May 9 2008 7:06:41 PM

Message:

FULMER CUP 2008: IT BEGINS APPROPRIATELY. NOW WITH THEME SONG!
(dated Jan 2008)

The Fulmer Cup 2008…now with theme song! God bless Garage Band
loops.

The Fulmer Cup enters its third year of existence as college
football’s premiere offseason time-waster and the only established
measure of which teams really do have the least well-behaved student-
athletes in the sport of football. In case you aren’t familiar with
the system, we’ll recap the rules and even show you an example of
the scoring, since the University of Tennessee–appropriately enough–
gave us an example this weekend to open the scoring for this year.

Points are awarded for player arrests. These have to be current
football players and verified charges, so if Uncle Jimboridicus
calls and tells you that he swears he saw someone being stuffed into
the back of a squad car…no dice unless we’ve got a wire report or an
arrest record. Also, if it’s a graduated player, or someone who’s
already declared for the draft…no go there, either. Coaches can
count, but relatives of players do not.

The rules for scoring are as follows, but are not limited to:

* Murder: 5 points.

* Rape: 4 points. Downgraded to one if either participant is wearing
a clown mask.

* Bestiality: 4 points. It’s a form of rape, really, no matter how
much the goat has had to drink. High point value justified further
by the fact that it involves having sex with an animal. You could
say this was unthinkable, but in the past year alone two stories
involving college athletes and at least the association with
barnyard bonhomie of a most intimate degree have been reported,
including the EDSBS Official GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD: the arrest of
Oregon State player Ben Siegert for stealing a sheep used in a study
on homosexuality in sheep.

* Grand Larceny: 4 points. We use this as a catchall for players
being involved in crime so outrageous and well-planned it can only
be described as ‘nefarious,’ ‘professional,’ or ‘legislation.’
Applies to large drug rings, chop shop operations, and the Haitian
human trafficking ring that’s been run out of the Miami locker room
since ‘93. (We kid! They didn’t get that thing humming ’til ‘95 at
the earliest.)

* Hitting Girls: 3 points. We’ll downgrade this to 2 if the girl can
hold her weight and requires daily medication to prevent her from
gouging her own eyes out (since those were the ones we always ended
up dating, and we understand); or we’ll upgrade to 4 points if the
damage includes intensive care. Dad always said never hit girls, so
we take this one seriously. Dad also said always double down with
split aces, too, but we’ll be damned if we didn’t end up selling
bone marrow in Macau the last time we followed that bit of advice.

* Car theft/Assault/Driving through houses drunk/Drug possession of
the Tyrone Biggums variety: 3 points. “Drug possession” never sounds
all that bad until you add in ‘crack cocaine,’ which is society’s
signifier that your life has gone from that of high functioning
simian in a complex society to that of a rat with electrodes in your
brain’s pleasure centers hitting a pedal in a glass box in a lab.
Weed? Par for the course, especially if you’re NFL-bound. Crack?
Break out the Sports Century ‘Weepy Sonata’ music, because the story
of your descent from boundless potential has just begun, and they
haven’t even begun to show the grainy shots of 130-lb you huddled in
a shelter on Skid Row.

* Fightin’ in ‘da Club/Weed Possession/Standard DUI: 2 points. Any
scenario involving group fighting of a thugged-out, ‘we run this
place’ variety, and marijuana possession of the nickel bag level.
Possession of 100 pounds of marijuana is a totally different thing,
and takes you right back up to the 4 point ‘nefarious’ level.

* Drankin’/Suspended License/Assorted petty misdemeanors: 1 point.

Crave it: The Fulmer Cup.There is a fair amount of wiggle room here,
especially given the degree of the crime and the zest with which is
was committed. For example: there’s DUI, and what we’ll call
Estonian DUI. Some poor kid who had one too many beers gets pulled
over with a .09 BAC? That’s standard DUI. Some coach gets pulled
over, say on a desert lane somewhere in Arizona, for instance, with
a .45 BAC and a can of ether? This calls for bonus points, an award
determined both by reader input and by Queen of Hearts Rules. (Orson
is the Queen of Hearts here, and if he says off with its head, then
it’s off with the head.)

The updated scoreboard will be maintained again by Brian “Hung Like
Reggie F’n Nelson”, who will get an even cooler nickname this season
if he keeps it up. Scoring is maintained in detail in the archives
here, but somewhat more conveniently talled by our close personal
friends at SAS Wiki at their indispensable Fulmer Cup page.

The Ellis T. Jones III award, neglected last season, will make a
return to the scene this year. The ETJ3 is given to the player who
makes such an astounding individual achievement he cannot fairly be
considered to be part of the team. This is designed to offset not
only the impact of one bad egg on a whole team, but also to
recognize outstanding effort on the part of the individual. Think of
it as the Davey O’Brien Award, but for stealing car stereos instead
of passing.

Now, for an example: Tennessee wide receivers Gerald Jones and Ahmad
Paige were showing some recruits around this weekend. Light stuff,
really: a nice cruise in the ride, a few joints firing away in the
ashtray, and the one excuse a cop needs: a busted tag light. Paige
granted police permission to search the car, they did, and now we
know what explains Tennessee’s blunted deep passing game this year:
two possession charges, one for Paige and one for Jones, and the
first points of the new season go to the Cup’s namesake, the
University of Tennessee.

The tally:

2 points each for possession, meaning a total of 4 for Tennessee.
You count them each, and considering the piddly amounts involved,
you’re not talking Tyrone Biggums/Nate Newton levels here.

Let the race begin! When the fat man says it’s time to dance, it’s
time…to dance!

Fulmer Cup Blog

Current Thread:

Florida rises to #8 in the Fulmer Cup standings with latest incident.. -- UGADawginVA Fri May 9 2008 7:06:41 PM

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